introducing the Kingdom of Eric Parker movie mouse trap maze!

All utopias have controversial ideas and rules. Plato suggested in his Republic that children should be taken from their parents at birth and raised communally in order to avoid favoritism in a true meritocracy. The island in Sir Thomas Moore's Utopia has no lawyers and adultery is punished by enslavement. So I'm not going out on a limb here by introducing the movie mouse trap maze into my Kingdom.

It's simple. Here's how it works: there are two movie theaters in the Kingdom. One that shows brainless movies and one that shows movies with some form of cinematic integrity and purpose.

If you go see a stupid movie, one you can tell from the trailer is totally ridiculous and void of cinematic merit (best current example: Zookeeper), you will exit through a door that leads to another room with two more doors. The door on the left will have a marquee with another stupid movie, say Paul Blart: Mall Cop (I'm not trying to pick on Kevin James, but we all make choices in life), and the door on the right will have a marquee with a legitimate movie chosen by me, of course. To be fair and not expose my own bad taste, I will only choose movies from The New York Times "The Best 1,000 Movies Ever Made." That gives us a lot to work with and drives home the point that you don't need to watch––and we don't need to waste money and time and valuable resources to produce––schlock.

The movie on the right from the Times "Best 1,000 Movies Ever Made" will have an exit into another theater room, where you will be introduced to another film from the best list. This section of the theater will have ten rooms. After watching ten good movies in a row, you will exit back into the Kingdom, where you can go to a pub or ice cream parlor or bookstore (we're readers) and discuss the great movies you just watched.

You choose the door on the left with the stupid movie again, and guess what? You're ushered into another room with another two marquees. You see where this is going? You will be stuck in a circular movie theater for eternity choosing to watch stupid movies in a liminal space of the Kingdom. Don't worry: all beer and ice cream and books in the kingdom will carry a special small tax to pay for unlimited popcorn and hot dogs and Cokes for those trapped in dumb movie land.

But be careful. As the people who choose to watch dumb movies when there are perfectly good movies to watch numbers dwindle, the need to have the stupid movie theater and produce these films may cease and the theater may close, and then you'll be stuck inside for eternity with people just like yourself. But, hey, you can eat popcorn and hot dogs and drink Cokes and wonder how long this fun time will last. Until you explode!