In the Kingdom of Eric Parker, we don't need Five Fingers; we only need one: the middle!

In the Kingdom of Eric Parker, Vibram Five Fingers (pictured below) and any derivative knock-offs will be banned. We will be a sensitive people who won’t want to creep each other out, and Vibram Five Fingers are creepy. The non-wearer cannot and will not get used to the sight of what amounts to colorful gorilla feet on a human. “But they’re just like going barefoot,” some will say, "which is more natural than your oversized running shoes." The people of the Kingdom will know that when something is being compared to something else, it’s best to go with the original––the thing to which it’s being compared. We will know that when one goes barefoot for long periods of time, human skin is resilient and adapts by creating a less sensitive calloused layer which allows the foot to become just like Vibram Five Fingers before Vibram Five Fingers were compared to being just like bare feet. We will know this because our king, Eric Parker, has lived at the beach, where he spent much time barefoot, walking on hot asphalt, sand, and cement, which, over time, allowed him to walk over the sizzling rocks of railroad beds without pain. So, if one so chooses, one may go barefoot in the Kingdom. But do not expect to get served in any restaurants.