In the Kingdom of Eric Parker, we don't need Five Fingers; we only need one: the middle!

In the Kingdom of Eric Parker, Vibram Five Fingers (pictured below) and any derivative knock-offs will be banned. We will be a sensitive people who won’t want to creep each other out, and Vibram Five Fingers are creepy. The non-wearer cannot and will not get used to the sight of what amounts to colorful gorilla feet on a human. “But they’re just like going barefoot,” some will say, "which is more natural than your oversized running shoes." The people of the Kingdom will know that when something is being compared to something else, it’s best to go with the original––the thing to which it’s being compared. We will know that when one goes barefoot for long periods of time, human skin is resilient and adapts by creating a less sensitive calloused layer which allows the foot to become just like Vibram Five Fingers before Vibram Five Fingers were compared to being just like bare feet. We will know this because our king, Eric Parker, has lived at the beach, where he spent much time barefoot, walking on hot asphalt, sand, and cement, which, over time, allowed him to walk over the sizzling rocks of railroad beds without pain. So, if one so chooses, one may go barefoot in the Kingdom. But do not expect to get served in any restaurants.

motorized bicycles in the Kingdom of Eric Parker? hell no!

Motorized bicycles, like the one pictured below, will not be allowed in the Kingdom of Eric Parker. In the Kingdom, we will be a people conscious of our energy usage, and we will know it’s an oxymoron to burn fuel on a machine designed to burn only human fat. We will also understand the complexities of the oil markets, that oil is a finite resource and that burning it causes greenhouse gases in the atmosphere, which are needed in small amounts in order for humans to exist on earth without ice covering everything, but bad in large amounts because they cause global warming; whereas, human fat is always renewable. And we won’t want to give our money to dictators or cause civil wars because of our energy usage. We will prefer to give our money to ice cream and beer vendors and bicycle shops.

If you install a motor on your bicycle, or even if you’re found disassembling a small motor, say an unused lawnmower (whose use has been banned––push mowers allowed only in areas where lawn grows without elaborate sprinkler systems) with the intent of mounting that motor on a bicycle, you will be thrown in the movie mouse trap (see this post) where we will be safe knowing you will remain for eternity––eating popcorn and drinking Cokes, building human fat––because you are stupid and make poor decisions.